My soul felt empty. My heart felt full. My eyes wet. My cheeks dry. My thoughts ever chaotic. I was floating. I was hopeful. I was absolutely terrified.
Today I learned something unforgettable. It is something that any child could tell you. Something that has existed in dormancy in my cognizance for years. What I learned today, after being faced with these very words for many years, is that I really must live for today. Such a simple lesson, but today it is something that has affected me to the core of my being. If I were to die tonight, what would I have to show to Allah swt? What have I done out of my love for Him? What have I done for humanity? If I have claimed to be Muslim, then where has my complete submission to Allah swt been manifested into my actions? Chasing dreams that Allah swt pulls away from me seems to be a hobby of mine. I thank Him for that, but I’ve yearned to know what He has written out for me. Pursuing dreams that turn out to be empty vessels pulling my heart and soul every which way have started to make me feel foolish. Today I realized that those dreams can and should exist, but ahead of them should be a daily ambition to seek Allah. To seek Allah, not in my fardh prayers or occasional glimpse of the Qur’an and hadith, but rather to make this particular ambition my life. To let my other dreams take a step down. I need to redirect my focus. Who knew that my sleepless nights, my conflicted heart, my restless soul, could be so easily remedied. Who knew that this answer had been laying in front of me this entire time. Habib Ali Al-Jifri said today, true knowledge exists not in the lines of books, but in our hearts. It must be so, for how many times have I heard the words I understood today. For how long had this knowledge been dormant in my heart? Just the thought has me starving for more. As I sit here reflecting on all that I learned today, my heart is stirring with excitement for the future.
“The ink of scholars is worth more on the Day of Judgement than the blood of martyrs.” This was mentioned in today’s opening remarks and I was pulled right in. Seeking true knowledge is of such importance in Islam. I can be courageous enough on this hopeful night, to write in this passage what I wouldn’t yet dare say aloud. My heart has never felt this kind of hope and happiness, it hasn’t felt this sense of eagerness and peace that it feels today. Today, as I’ve decided what my purpose in life is. Not for a day, not for a week or a month or a year, but until I see the end of this life. I wish to be a seeker of true knowledge. May Allah swt help me and guide me.